Sugar Baby/Seeking Arrangement Addiction

These arrangements are often rationalized by the Sugar Daddy as a quick, easy, and simple solution. In in practice however, this is often far more emotionally complicated, costly, and harmful to him than he ever would have expected.

It is not just the obvious danger of one’s spouse finding out about this behavior, or spending large amounts of money. For some, although not all, there is his thinking this arrangement will afford him control, but in reality, it very quickly, creates the opposite, where he is in an almost powerless position.

This powerlessness will be experienced by the Sugar Daddy when the dynamics of his own unresolved emotional issues are intuitively, subtly, quietly, but mercilessly exploited by the Sugar Baby, who does not need to create them, she only needs to see them, and plug into them. This is a very easy task for a “professional” at this. 

This “affair” makes that “plug in” to his emotional vulnerabilities by her easy, low effort, and almost certain that the woman who is his Sugar Baby will accomplish. He now is very confused, he is feeling stuck in this situation, and at a complete loss as to how he cannot simply exit this situation. A choice that was supposed to be “so simple and easy” when he rationalized it, but this choice now leads to someone else having control over him. 

Although many completely unqualified persons, such as the “coach’s” you see on social media in the infidelity space, will through their complete lack of knowledge and understanding any of this, will only speak to the sex, and the betrayal in these situations, missing the real points a trained person would see. Actual professionals , such as therapists, will be able to see much more going on with this man than just sex and betrayal. The sex and money involved in sugaring can make it easy for both the Sugar Daddy, his loved ones, and the unqualified /“coach’s” to not notice that underneath it all, there may emotional and mental issues driving this. One example is it could be a lonely, or hurting in some silent way, man. This can be a lonely in a crowd, subjective lonely, a real isolation, and or a self made sense of unhappiness creating all this. This, or other issue, is then, through this arrangement, combined with an ambitious young woman.

The sexual desire by the Sugar Daddy, and the sexual desirability of the Sugar Baby, along with an age difference, wealth difference, social class difference, education and functioning level difference, is often a massive distraction to everyone watching. The mental image of all this is all involved, very tacky, visually loud, and very off putting. This off putting, bad taste in the mouth situation makes it very difficult to read the situation objectively, for what it is and therefore it has people in the story miss that this choice by him is about many more things than just sex.

These underlying issues could include such things as family of origin based wounds from shortcomings of childhood. These could now be turned into unconscious emotional wants today. It could be the similar idea of the child he was back then, not the man he is now, unconsciously “needing” the silly and fictional “affirmation” one gets from the Hallmark card sounding language in these paid for interactions. The gratuitous, over the top, approval a Sugar Daddy gets in the language and interactions speaks directly to something emotional that he is seeking, but may not even know he is seeking. 

A related issue is men,  generally speaking, do not have much “permission”, both internally and in our culture, to ask for “affirmation”, and or this gratuitous approval.  They feel they cannot ask for anything in that arena at all, but men can temporarily get a fake version of this approval in these Sugar Daddy behaviors, all while pretending to themselves they are only there for the sex, and companionship, of a beautiful young women. More self deception on their part. 

Sometimes the childhood that a man experienced will have him enter the adult world with his emotional / self love/ self acceptance cup “half full”, rather than full. These self destructive sexual acting out behaviors can medicate that deficit that was created by his childhood. As to correct this he needs to work on himself with a licensed mental health professional, as this internal deficit can never be corrected with external things such as affairs, achievements, buying high status items like property or expensive cars. Internal issues need to be corrected internally, as there are no external solutions to internal problems. This is real emotional work has to be done with a licensed therapist.  

One of the many ways things can get more complicated inside these ‘relationships” is that some men can develop a savior complex, or the smaller version of this, where he has the illusion that he is helping this particular woman. He has the distorted view that  there is a net positive effect of his engaging in this paid behavior. The Sugar Daddy may feel that they are helping this woman’s future, when he is not. He may be told that his payments are putting her through some type of schooling, or starting a business. This mental manipulation tries to make a self destructive choice that needs to end, into a good deed that should not stop. He may be paying money for a little sister to go to school, or an adult sister to get back on her feet, all kinds of real and fictional “helping” of sugar baby or third parties connected to her. 

Some men involved in these activities today feel they were, or in reality were, years earlier, in a prior life stage, left out of the romantic / sexual world. They might have related insecurities, resentments, or longings about the past that fuel this view. I see this so much with sugar daddies I gave it a name, I call it “Retro FOMO”.  Obviously meaning “retroactive fear of missing out”. Despite the fact that our behaviors today can never change the past, these men consciously decide that their past sexual life was so meager that they need to correct for this past lack of activity today.  The sad fact is, unbeknownst to him, he is not actually in the romantic world when engaging in Sugar Daddy behavior. In reality, he is paying for an experience that is not real. To be specific, this is not “real” other than the negative consequences it creates. As described earlier, these internal issues need to be resolved internally by working with a licensed therapist.

In this Sugar Daddy behavior, there may be a $8,000 a month fee for the sugar baby, but many Sugar Babies push for additional expensive high end shopping such as Hermès, Chanel, and Louis Vuitton bags. They may demand or sweet talk for vacations to the very best rooms in the very best hotels at the most exotic locals. May “ask” him to pay her rent, or other bills. Often, this level of payment for all this is progressive, meaning the further he goes into his self deception, the more the Sugar Daddy slides down this rabbit hole, the more numerous and steep the bills pushed onto him by his Sugar Baby will be and he will tolerate. I have met men who burned through their entire retirement account, thinking some Sugar Baby is their “friend”, only to be broke, lonely, feeling very foolish, used, and completely heartbroken.

These men will rationalize this with clichés, such as speaking as if they are spending their children’s inheritance, when in fact it will be they who will have the financial rude awakening, sooner

When these “relationships” are discovered by his wife and she makes contact with the Sugar Baby as with the electronic trail all this money and behavior creates, it is not that difficult, many of the illusions by the Sugar Daddy of this Sugar Baby being on his team are quickly and in a very ugly way erased.

I have seen the wife of the sugar daddy call the sugar baby asking she leave the situation, and the sugar baby be so insulting, verbose, and cruel that it revealed the fact that all the working partnership type talk between the sugar baby and sugar daddy was entirely an act, and that there was not even the smallest level of respect for that man or his situation. That’s a tough way to learn you have been played, but that’s what it is. I have seen the emotional wreckage of this right in front of me and it is needless destruction. 

It is not easy to help these men exit these arrangements. These men have a massive amount of self deception around this issue, and have bought into to the illusions. What is helpful is there is often a part of these men that does want to exit, so skill in these matters and a non-judgmental approach by a licensed therapist, unwinding the self deception around this arrangement, and understanding their emotional needs, can go a long way to helping these men evaluate what course of action is in their longer term well being.

The goal of treatment in this cases, at least when done by a trained clinician, is to have the Sugar Daddy free of the self deception that helps rationalize this behavior, correct the “half empty cup” type feelings and views of self that contributed to the “need” for this, and restore him to his appropriate and peaceful place in the functioning of his particular family system.