60 E 42nd St, New York, NY 10165

Infidelity/ Affair Counseling

There are a multitude of trials and tribulations that a couple may face during a partnership. There are times, such as when infidelity is discovered, that the issue may be too much for the couple to resolve without specialized help.

A skilled psychotherapist must help the unfaithful partner learn how to again be worthy of trust.

Some mental health professionals, or even “coach’s” who are by definition clinicially untrained, may throw around amateur hour labels like “narcissist” and “gaslighting”, rather than show up with actual clinical skills to help the unfaithful partner make real change. Real change requires willingness in the client ,and skill in the practitioner.

The biggest problem when facing infidelity is trust has been broken, the most fundamental assumption in a relationship. Talking about the affair is very scary and painful, but openness it is the only way to rebuild trust and intimacy.

It’s a fact that affairs can take place in a good marriage, as the cheating a reflection of what is going on with that unfaithful person, not a reflection of what is going on in a marriage, and individual sexual misbehavior psychotherapy for the unfaithful partner is the best course of action to ensure this does not occur again.

Webcam, email, and chatroom infidelity have waned in the last decade as smartphones replaced desktops, and sexual contacts via apps have filled that space. There are still some chatroom behaviors, and websites, but this misbehavior that is initiated online is mostly app based contact, then moving to in person contact. The rate of change in this field of misbehavior means keeping this practitioner’s website updated with what the latest app is for this sexual misbehavior can be difficult to impossible to maintain.

These days, cheating is as close as a smartphone, and this makes it both easier for cheating to begin, and more difficult for it to stop. It tells the unfaithful, wrongly, that they can covertly communicate and hide the behavior, while in fact, it creates a record which then “snitches” on them when they least expect it. The phone then becomes something the betrayed partner is suspicious off, while we depend on smartphones these days to work and function, creating yet another conflict.

Cheating inside a happy partnership is not designed to hurt the non-cheating partner, but is a reflection of old issues in that cheating partner not yet resolved that need to be addressed now. The infidelity is painful, but it should be used as an opportunity for the unfaithful partner to grow into a more self aware and running their life in a rational way person. The affair can point to the issues in the unfaithful person that must be resolved, and this work can be used as momentum to improve the partnership.

Serial Affairs, and Fake “Affairs”

Of course infidelity can leave the betrayed partner feeling devastated, isolated and overwhelmed. The betrayed partner may feel their value as a woman has gone down because their partner was unfaithful, although this statement is not often said so much as felt and or reacted to.

While the cheated on partner gets almost all the sympathy, the partner who engaged in the infidelity may quietly find it very difficult to face themselves. The shame by the unfaithful can prevent partners from openly speaking on the feelings involved, and then both partners feel isolated, despite still being together. A skilled psychotherapist is a safe, non-judgmental relationship where processing, correcting, and healing can occur. Professional help is not about blaming a partner but proving the correction of patterns, thoughts and misplaced feelings so this behavior does not occur again.

In addition to clients needing to avoid untrained non-clinicians pretending to be able to treat clinical issues such as this, clients also need avoid falling into the trap of focusing on the marriage as the cause of the infidelity. While infidelity creates a crisis in a partnership, partnership issues do not cause the infidelity.

Another matter that has be resolved is what level of information does the non-cheating partner need about the illicit behavior. I absolutely tell my clients to be truthful, but that does not mean the faithful spouse necessarily wants every detail. Openness is needed, but it should not be for the sake of the unfaithful partner trying to unload what they are carrying.

The person who was unfaithful and the person cheated on may experience the time post discovery very differently. A women who was cheated may re-process the facts many times over, and some unskilled practitioner’s may exacerbate this issue by going into the circular thought process with the client, rather than helping the client leave that circular mental space. Related issue is the unskilled practitioners using language unbecoming a clinician. With social media use being so high today, people in need of clinically skilled help have to avoid the pitfalls of getting unhelpful and grossly misapplied labels and ideas such as “narcissist” and “gaslighting”, put forward on Instagram and other platforms. It is often difficult work to help a betrayed spouse feel like herself again, it becomes impossible to help them when moronic and simplistic labels are used on someone who that client still today does, or did in fact at one time, love. It’s easy to harm a client when you have no clinical training and wade into clinical work. I have seen the real damage that the inept/untrained cause.

The person cheated on may feel that almost no time has past since the discovery of the cheating, and conversely the person who cheated may feel “it’s been awhile”. This disparity in the experience of time post discovery on the matter of the cheating needs to be addressed, or it will exacerbate conflict. A psychotherapist skilled in this issue can help this situation to not reoccur and move clients from the acute crisis, through the recovery process, and on to stability and strength.

A clinician can assist the unfaithful partner to dismantle the distorted thinking that created the outside the boundaries behavior, and that partnership then begins to heal post-affair by that unfaithful partner demonstrating both insight into how they got their thinking so distorted, and also improvements in non-sexual attitudes, moods, views, and behaviors, that helped them at that time move towards that sexual misbehavior.

For decades I have helped countless clients correct the distorted thinking that creates affairs. Although, an affair can end a relationship, with skilled help it is often the case that it can be repaired and the relationship made even stronger than before. The first step towards recovery from this is making the decision to see an experienced and trained psychotherapist. I’m a 26 years at this work expert on sexual misbehavior, and have helped countless persons for these very issues.

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CONTACT me

I am here to help you. Don’t hesitate to give me a call. No judgment and I make sure that everything remains private.

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SCHEDULE AN APPOINTMENT

I work with all types of schedules to ensure you get the help you need.

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fIRST aPPOINTMENT

During the first appointment, I will go over exactly what you are struggling with and create a lifelong plan to give you the life you deserve.

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Progress you can see

You will be surprised by the progress you can make with my counseling. Years of experience and dedication to helping you is our moto.

My Qualifications

Certified Sex Offender Treatment Specialist Ohio University

Certified Juvenile Sexual Offender Counselor University of Louisville

Full Clinical Member (National) Association for the Treatment of Sexual Abusers

Full Clinical Member NY Association for the Treatment of Sexual Abusers

Full Clinical Member NJ Association for the Treatment of Sexual Abusers

Master’s Degree, Clinical Social Work, Fordham University

Licensed Psychotherapist NY Lic # R059367-1

Licensed Psychotherapist CT Lic # 10800

Licensed Psychotherapist NJ Lic # 44SC05908100

Licensed Psychotherapist CA Lic # 101416

Licensed Psychotherapist Fl Lic #SW19525

Licensed Psychotherapist TX Lic #107691

Licensed Psychotherapist OH Lic #I.2203614

Licensed Psychotherapist UT Lic #12830507-3501

locations
NY - NJ - CT - CA - TX
phone
(718) 208-6135
Hours
Mon - Sun 8AM - 10PM
experience
Over 25 Years
telehealth to
New York, New Jersey, Connecticut, Florida, California, Ohio, Utah, Texas

I provide telehealth to New York, California, Texas, New Jersey, Connecticut, Florida, Ohio and Utah, please call me at 718-208-6135 and we can discuss if I am the correct expert for you. I intake clients quickly, most of the time the same week I’m called, sometimes even the same day. No need to settle for the generic therapist in your area; you can see me from anywhere.

Thanks!

James Foley LCSW-R