“Camgirls” are women, who via webcam, talk, listen, chat , flirt, and engage in sex acts, while a man chats with them and tips them. The human interactive element is the reason this behavior can prove a powerfully “addictive” pastime.
Although this is a previously obscure form of sex work, “camming” is now a big business, with many men making real consequences for themselves with this behavior.
I have seen men bankrupt themselves financially, isolate themselves socially, and ignore real issues that must get addressed in their lives, all by spending time, attention and money paying camgirls for sexual interaction streamed to them.
Paying Cam Girls is, in practice, really pseudo social interacting, it is not in fact social interaction, but it can feel that way.
I help men break free of this and replace this illusion, for these men, of having a paid friend, and definitely not at any time a real friend, with a real life based on real connections.
Like some of the other paid sexual interactions, such as strip clubs and “seeking arrangements”, men paying for cam girls are often men seeking more social contact, but not knowing they are in fact seeking more social contact.
Sometimes it is men seeking acceptance, but not being aware that on some level they are seeking acceptance.
Sometimes it is men seeking validation, but they don’t know they are seeking validation.
Some signs you might have a camgirl “addiction” include.
- “Time Suck” Do you put in more than you planned to?
- “Financial Drain” Are you harming your finances?
- “Opportunity Costs” Is this “relationship” displacing real or could be relationships?
- “Withdrawal” Do you experience stress if you don’t indulge?
- “Simple getting complicated” Are you experiencing more complex emotions and or strong emotions that ignore that this is a paid service?
- “Efforts to Stop” Have you successfully or unsuccessfully cut back, or taken a break from Cam girls?
- “Owe her” “Do you feel you “should” show up and pay her?
- “Exclusivity” Do you feel your connection to her is “different”, “more real” or “deeper” than her other patrons have with her?
Why do men typically engage in webcam “girls”?
Interactive experiences are more powerful than static or one way experiences. Human contact, especially with a young, attractive, socially skilled performer, even over video, can be a powerful force to an in pain, “escaping his reality”, emotionally isolated, and or ever so slightly “lost” for a moment man.
The man will project his own needs, and wants, onto this attractive and “available” woman, who is in fact paid very well to be this screen for these projections to show up on.
Simultaneous, on video, masturbation by the two, the illusion of “helping” these women is both a distortion of reality and something that further distorts reality, the “control” the man has compared to the lack of control we have over real relationships, the interaction feeling “new” or “youthful” compared to the man’s real choices or reality, the bought and paid for “ attention”, the fake “partnership” or “connection” all help the man confuse himself and get himself farther down a self deception rabbit hole.
The fake “friendship”, or “relationship” or “connection” these men feel is there can be very easy, or very difficult, to correct. Some men develop very powerful attachments to a particular web-cam performer, other men may be into “one off” interactions with these women, seen once, and done, and onto the next performer.
The unreasonably easy, in comparison to real life, interaction with a performer can distort how the man feels about real interactions. Marriage is not always easy, never simple, and sometimes scary, the fake relationship you pay for has you feel heard, understood, acknowledged and appreciated, even if none of those things are true. The Cam Girl relationship is a not a healthy relationship, but instead a purchased illusion of one.
A performer that acknowledges you, your wants, your qualities, welcomes you by name, and that you spent time with free of real life difficulties, creates the illusion of connection and the illusion of a shared experience.
Sexual intimacy combined with the above described emotional games felt as “intimacy” create a powerful experience, that the work and mundaneness of our real life have a very hard time completing with.
A man who may have had experienced a childhood short in some way on being heard, appreciated, accepted, loved, or valued, may enter adulthood with an invisible and unstated need to feel validated. He entered adulthood with his cup “half filled”. Men are programmed by society to not to look for these things directly, but are “allowed” by culture to seek feeling heard, appreciated, accepted, loved, or valued, through other means such as acquiring wealth, power, achievement’s, sexual conquests, and so on.
Sometimes, by no means always, men doing this Web Cam issue have a deficit in creating real world sexual/ social / romantic connections, or at least tolerating the messiness, the two way street, and not on all on our terms experience that real relationships are. This admittedly minority of men caught in this behavior might make statements of how “selfish”, “spoiled”, “entitled” or “difficult” modern American women are.
Many, but again not all, men who get too far into this behavior can have a fantasy to “save” the woman from this work, and like the fairy tale, have a happily ever after ending. There is some projection here, as among other things, it is often the man in this story who very much needs saving.
The “opportunity costs” to Cam Girls can be easily overlook by men engaging in this. He may quietly prioritize the Cam Girl “relationship” over creating or maintaining real connections with real people in the real world. Atrophy of the skills of give and take, tolerance of others different expectations, and so forth, can occur when the real world struggles are avoided.
Obviously men can and do get themselves very confused and make real mess’s with this behavior, I would love to help you correct your thinking and behavior.
Give me a call if you would like to speak to me about some specialist help for you or your loved ones “cam girl” issue.”
I provide telehealth to New York, California, Texas, New Jersey, Connecticut, Florida, Ohio and Utah, please call me at 718-208-6135 and we can discuss if I am the correct expert for you. I intake clients quickly, most of the time the same week I’m called, sometimes even the same day. No need to settle for the generic therapist in your area; you can see me from anywhere.
James Foley LCSW-R