What Is Your Fee?
My fee is $400 per one full-hour session.
How Long Are Your Sessions?
Each session is one hour long unless specified otherwise.
Do You Take Insurance?
I only take self pay. I do NOT take insurance of any type.
How do I make an appointment?
Just give me a call at 718-208-6135 and we can discuss if I am the right therapist for you, and then it’s a fast, and easy, intake process.
Should My Partner and I Do Couples or Individual Counseling?
The person who engaged in sexual misbehavior, or infidelity or whatever choice, needs individual therapy to correct whatever thinking created that behavior. When that is all sorted out, then couples work can be done. Putting a person into a situation where they have to, to their spouse, break down and explain how this all occurred, when they themselves hardly understand, is not a recipe for success.
What is the post-treatment goal of all this work?
To be free of self destructive sexual choices and feel comfortable and not at all miss those choices. Most mental health goals are about functioning well and feeling well. The functioning well here in this case is not making consequences for yourself, and the feeling well part is not missing that behavior, and loving the life that you have.
What can I expect from therapy with you?
When you are considering therapy with me you may not know what to expect. Don’t worry, I have a compassionate, but direct, and efficient style. I use my clinical abilities, my empathy, and a quarter century of specialist experience, to help you create real change in your thinking and behavior. Some moments may make you feel a certain amount of discomfort, but the overall, the process is generally much more comfortable than most expect it to be.
For any issue one may see a therapist for, clients often feel a sense of anxiety before the first session, and this sexual misbehavior issue may create more anxiety than average, but either way, this build up is usually followed by a sense of relief that the first session went well. When clients put in the work, they get the results.
How do you ensure patient confidentiality?
I follow all HIPAA guidelines, use only HIPAA allowed email and Tele-health, work alone, have no billing staff, have no clinical students, never have my clients meet each other, don’t use or communicate with your insurance, and don’t write books about my experiences with clients.
What Fees Are Involved?
I charge a prorated hourly fee of $400 for any report writing, telephone conversations lasting longer than fifteen minutes (which is rare), attendance at meetings with other professionals regarding your case even more rare, preparation of records for above. *In practice, more than 99% of my clients only pay my session fee, as they are not in any way involved in court.
When Is Payment Due?
Payment is due after each session.
What Is Your Cancellation Policy?
I require a minimum of 48 hours advance notice for cancellation, otherwise you are required to pay for the session despite not attending it.
Should you see a “coach” instead of a therapist?
Coaching is an unregulated field, as there is no set education to be a coach. If your child says they are a coach, then now your child is a “coach”. It’s that easy and unregulated. If you would like to be seen by someone with no minimum training, no minimum education, and no license, then by all means, see a coach.
Do you work with other professionals ?
Absolutely I work with, and often coordinate care with, other professionals, like psychiatrists, and licensed therapists. Being I am an educated, licensed, skilled professional, I cannot coordinate care with unlicensed persons, such as “coach’s” pretending to be doing clinical work, as when some major problem develops the qualified licensed therapists get dragged into to the mess created by the unskilled/ unlicensed. You as a consumer are free to see the untrained and unskilled, such as coach’s, just don’t see me as well, because the disaster that will follow is really not for me.
Is it possible to fully recover from this?
Yes you can. It is work, but is done all the time. Therapy works especially well when the client trusts both the therapist intentions and the therapists abilities, essentially the quality of that therapist client relationship makes positive outcomes more likely. The gains made in therapy can be permanent when the insights and skills learned are incorporated into the thinking of the client, and not just thoughts and views put aside when therapy is completed.
Do brand new therapists, with only a couple years experience, or even without a full license yet say they are “extensively experienced in” while not actually being extensively experienced in that issue?
Yes, therapists with a small amount of experience, or even a “provisionally licensed” will, very unethically I might add, say they are “extensively experienced in” whatever “expertise” they are trying to portray online, including this issue. If you want to see how many years experience a therapist has WHILE FULLY LICENSED, as that is when actual experience years start to be counted, please read their webpage very well.
I see this therapist has a great many “followers” on Instagram (or whatever social media platform), that means they must be very knowledgeable?
No, accumulating a great many followers of social media can mean that particular therapist is endorsing or leaning into the latest erroneous, attention getting fad such as “gaslighting” or some other “hot”, but clinically incorrect use of a term. Therapists, like many types of professionals, can get a massive amount of positive attention online while endorsing or elaborating on something factually untrue. Just like many online persons built up a huge following saying such falsehoods as the COVID vaccine will kill you. They were factually incorrect, but they had huge numbers of followers, and traffic. On social media, the most uninformed professionals, or even a pseudo professionals such as a coach’s, can get a massive online following, very quickly, all while spouting off things that have absolutely no relationship to the truth, and in fact may be ideas that can harm you.
I feel that I (or my loved one) may need to go to inpatient or residential treatment for this?
If the underlying issue is Mania/Bipolar and or Depression, that is possible. What is much more likely is that his attitudes, behaviors, past trauma if there, and patterns, can be changed outpatient in a therapists office. Other than for mood disorders and substance abuse, the “sex addiction’ or “infidelity” residential and inpatient treatment centers are unnecessary. You don’t need a “12-Day Intensive” program for “sex addiction” or “infidelity”. A highly skilled psychotherapist can change the attitudes, thoughts, and misbehavior.
Again, it’s very rare, but an underlying mood disorder could be so pronounced that inpatient treatment for that mood disorder is necessary, and substance abuse can also create a need for inpatient or residential, but inpatient treatment for “sex addiction” or “infidelity” is not needed.
What are some basic good ideas when these types of behaviors are discovered in a relationship.
- Seek, and be open with, professional help who specializes in this issue.
- The partner who acted out should avoid being defensive, minimizing, or denying facts or feelings.
- The partner who acted out needs to end all contact with the “professional” paid sex worker, affair partner, apps that facilitated this, and or secret email account used for these purposes.
- Neither party should over use alcohol, or other disinhibitory substances.
- The partner who acted out should not be withholding information, misleading, or not forthright answering questions about these sexual misbehaviors.
- Person who acted out should not be wanting partner to “get over it”, “let it go”, or “chill out”.
- The non-acting out partner should not allow pressure, judgment, or insisting by friend’s and or family, to take actions, such as staying or leaving, when those very friends and or family have their own issues, and they certainly have no right to tell you, no right to judge you, no vote at all on who you should be with, or not be with, and their opinion should be dismissed if it judges you or does not allow you your autonomy.
- The partner who acted out should always assume that any post discovery communication by the affair partner, sex worker, sugar baby, whatever, even if innocuous or stating how they understand it is over, will remain unknown to partner.
What is with these fake diagnosis, a real diagnosis misapplied, or made up labels being applied to men who cheated, by the betrayed partners therapist when that therapist has never met that person who cheated? I see this often done by a “betrayal specialist” therapist, a general therapist, or an untrained person such as a “coach”. Would this vilifying of one partner lead the couple even further away from fixing their relationship?
It is unethical, and an indicator of incompetence, to diagnose or label a person that the clinician has never met, and has never clinically evaluated. Despite licensed clinicians being, by ethics and practical limits of what they could possibly know, barred from diagnosing persons who are not their clients, have never been their clients, and they have not clinically evaluated themselves, a massive number of therapists are diagnosing partners of their clients. These diagnosis, or sometimes just made up labels, are invariably very negative, and often “dooming” that relationship. This ”dooming” is because “a narcissist” is not particularly fixable, and leaves little room for the couple working on things to fix things, while the actual truth about that person the therapist has never met is that they are in fact likely fixable.
The good news is clinicians unethically diagnosing partners of their clients are very rarely correct in their overly negative evaluations of these partners that are not their client. This unethical and incompetent behavior is because a very mediocre therapist can get a booming and lucrative practice, and lively online presence going, very quickly, by telling hurt and vulnerable people, generally women whose male partners have been unfaithful, what they want to hear at that moment, rather than accurate information that would take more time and skill. Vilifying someone who is not there in the room with you is the easiest money to be made in this field. Sad for clients that we have “professionals” in this field who would do this.
No, it’s very much not how well trained and ethical professionals conduct themselves. I’m horrified at how some clinicians are, via social media, on an industrial scale, vilifying one of the partners in a relationship, as that’s harmful, is against our training and ethics, leads to predictably poor outcomes, and to be selfish about it, makes all of us therapists look really stupid. If you want professional help, hire a skilled professional, rather than buy a “program” from someone making unethical, erroneous, and cringy videos on social media.
What is the difference between a sex therapist and a sexual misbehavior therapist?
A sex therapist mostly spends their time helping a couple get their sexual life back on track, helping an individual de-stigmatize sex, and so on. A sexual misbehavior therapist spends all their time on affairs, and other consequence creating sexual behaviors. See who best knows the issue you need help with, and then see that person.
Is abstinence required? Do I have to give up sex?
No my model is not in any way “anti sex”, my model is pro-sex, my model is anti self destructive choices. Sex is not the enemy here, self deception and making catastrophes in your life is the “enemy”. Anti sex clinicians and treatment models, are backwards, antiquated, harmful, and should be avoided. We cannot make humans non-sexual or “sexually pure”, as clients will literally kill themselves before achieving the level of what they call “clean” that that other model is seeking.
My partner did these horrible things behind my back, how will I ever trust them again?
Recovery is a process. Like mourning the loss of a loved one, the facts won’t leave your awareness, but a more manageable way of viewing the facts will eventually develop. For some partners, they are able to recognize the fact that these self destructive choices by their partner were not about unhappiness with that partner, but in fact unresolved matters inside that acting out person which they had avoided fixing over many years. A person acting out sexually may, or may not, be happy in their relationship, as that choice to act out is about other things inside themselves, which needed addressing and were not about that relationship.
Why won’t my spouse just admit all of the details/extensiveness of the affair/acting out?
In my experience, this withholding is caused by that partner who acted out feeling that if his partner knew all the details of his behavior, she would then leave him. It is rarely that he wants to return to that other person or acting out behavior. Most of the time, when I have seen men who acted out use this withholding of some information strategy it has not been a great choice. Most of the time, especially if it’s an intense situation like these, a person not getting the full story will know there is more information she is not getting, and then her being even more resentful, and frustrated that this effort to get 100% of the story, is yet more work for her to do.
When should I expect a full disclosure of what he has been doing in regards to these behaviors?
It is my opinion that the person who acted out should give as much information about these behaviors that their partner wants, and asks, to hear. All questions answered. It is my experience that in some couples, the person acting out and their partner have some sort of semi unstated agreement that they don’t need to go over all the many ugly details of these behaviors engaged in, and that there is not really a value of cataloguing all these painful, absurd, and should never have occurred choices.
Other partners of those who acted out want every single act, and all the details of what occurred. In these cases its often that the non-acting out partner feels their anxiety, pain and confusion will be eliminated or at least greatly reduced if they only have more details and information, in practice, this seems to never, ever, be the case. It is a partners right to ask for this information, and the acting out persons obligation to give that information if asked.
In order to see you for treatment, does the unfaithful partner have to take a polygraph test (lie detector) on their sexual history ?
No way. Never. In my view, the treatment model of requiring a polygraph from a person who cheated is not based on the therapist respecting the client, is not based on mutual respect between the partners, it is not based on the idea that the partner who cheated wants actual change, and does not set the tone of mutual respect and care. You can’t improve relationships and functioning by disrespecting a partner.
What’s the difference between sex addiction / sexual misbehavior, and a high sex drive?
There is nothing wrong with having a high sex drive, good for you. If you make consequences for yourself with sexual choices, then you may need help. It’s not because of your sex drive you make these choices, it is because of your thinking.
Can pornography be an addiction?
No not really, but it certainly can look that way sometimes. Many men over indulging in stay at home porn use have some kind of mood issue, and or are isolating, and the porn is not the cause, it is the symptom. Porn overuse is really just what depressed and or isolating from their life men do with their time, and the very small amount of energy and motivation they have. Often when you speak to these men they don’t understand their lack of “life” they engage in is not really being caused by the porn, as even when they are not engaging in porn, they are often not doing the things that would create a healthy and built up life outside of work and the most basic of obligations.
They are seeing the porn use through a judgmental lens, that has them blame the porn, and not notice the cause of all this mess is elsewhere. Some especially poorly qualified clinicians, and treatment models, can make this matter much worse very quickly by being loudly “anti porn”, rather than actually knowing what an expert in these matters should do, feeding the self judgement of the client and possibly feeding the mood disorder related thoughts.
Can we improve ourselves by not masturbating, such as “No Fap”?
It is a harmful idea. You can’t fight yourself and win. If you are indoctrinated into this concept I suggest you just accept that we are all sexual beings and that like “Conversion Therapy” trying to make gay persons straight, “No Fap” leads persons to more self hatred, more sense of failure, and the endless failure at that unattainable goal for some creates suicidal thoughts. Men who fell into this thinking really need help reducing guilt and shame around sexuality, not help abstaining from masturbation.
Is there a “genetic” component to sex addiction/ sexual misbehavior?”
Maybe, but what I do see day to day doing this work over decades. Trauma, tough childhoods, bad cultural messages, negative self talk, isolation, and pain, are handed down generation to generation, and this can manifest in incorrect views of self, self defeating strategies, emotional avoidance, valuing the wrong things, and self destructive choices that bring someone to a professional like me.
Is it important for my therapist to be in recovery from this?
No, and the therapists and treatment centers that use that particular treatment model are behind the times, and use that old style of treatment and head games to compensate for not actually knowing what the skilled actually to do in these cases. You want a capable professional to treat an issue, not someone who says they “have been there”, then wants you to buy into a treatment model from sixty years ago, that did not even work back then.
Should I Leave My Spouse?
That type of question is not for a therapist to answer for you. If a therapist does tell you to leave your spouse, or to stay with your spouse, that therapist is grossly unskilled and completely unethical , and to be specific, they are not letting the client have their own autonomy. Client autonomy is central to competent modern mental health care.
In my extensive experience doing this work, the vast majority of couples choose to stay together, and many are that much stronger and more connected because the work done.
Should I have sex with my spouse who cheated on me or acted out sexually?
That is one of those up to you questions that you should make sure you are answering for yourself. Please don’t let guilt, shame, or other people make that decision for you. I have seen people go either way on that, and as long as that’s the right answer for them, it’s the right answer.
What does my partners sexual misbehavior say about me?
Absolutely nothing. The person who acted out’s self deception and self destructive choices are about them, specifically what is in their head. It says nothing about their partner.
What do we tell the kids?
If you two are still living together and still talking to each other, then what would you need to say to your children? This behavior came from one person, that person needs to fix themselves, and third parties don’t “need” to know, don’t have a vote in whether you stay or go, or a say in what happens next. It’s between you two.
Does major time and effort put into scouring credit card accounts, bank accounts, and other records help the betrayed partner find information that then has that betrayed partner emotionally speaking recover faster?
No it does not. Not a bit. But by all means spend time scouring credit card accounts, bank accounts, and so forth if you want to, but nobody relieved an even small amount of pain that way.
Do you use the “Carnes Model”?
I don’t use that model.
Do you use the “SA” or “Sex Addicts Anonymous” model?
Again, no. I don’t use it, and I try not to work with clients who use it, as it conflicts with my model. The 12-step model works great for alcohol and drugs, has helped countless people get sober from alcohol, as one can completely abstain from alcohol and drugs. All abstinence based models fall apart when the issue at hand is something that you can’t abstain from as it is naturally part of us, like sex.